TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally from area. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have An additional location exactly where American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: give Every person a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should really cease using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is Trump Tower Damascus wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting awareness from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down company."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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